Vacation mood worn off already!

I took a mini-"vacation" this past weekend - really more of 2-1/2 days in the country with nothing at all to do but decompress from the pressures of real life. Already I am sick to death of being back at work. This happens every time I go away - I have ONE day back where I am in a more positive mindset, and then the second day *BOOM* - it's like I never left at all. The depression and anger all return. Because really, what can a few days away solve? Everything I dislike, all of my struggles, my feelings that I am not living my life the way I should, they're all still here. The only thing to do, and this is SOOO long overdue, is to change my situation in any and all ways that I can.

This week, I'm putting the charge upon myself to look into setting up a store on Etsy. I'm the kind of person who needs to look around, research, look around some more, dip a toe in, retreat, and then maybe jump in slowly. No diving for this girl! But, the sooner I set up a store the better. Been wanting to for a couple of years now - since I first heard of Etsy - and told myslef I would do it after I was "more ready". Well, I'm never going to get myself "more ready" until I have the need to, notwithstanding my recent jump in productivity in my artwork. The way I'll create the "need" to get down to business? Um, yeah, set up a store already! Then I won't have an excuse anymore.

Seen in my gmail inbox today, another reminder that I need to figure out what to do about my day job!

"Nobody can be successful if he doesn't love his work, love his job." - David Sarnoff

Blog guilt

I feel like I haven't had much time lately to post. Maybe I've lacked the focus to do so. I had a goal to post at least every other day when I first started this thing, and I've been feeling guilty about it. Or rather, about not meeting my goal. But do I need to feel guilty? I'm no professional blogger, I make no pretentions about that. I know why I'm here and what I want to do with my tiny corner of the web, but there are only so many hours in a day. (I really need to try sneaking in a few posts while I'm at my day job sometime.)

To crunch my time even further, I joined a gym on Tuesday. I went twice and am realllly sore today. And tired! I'm actually sitting here in my bed at 10 pm, something this night owl almost never does! Hopefully this time I'll stick with it for more than a few weeks, and that promise of more-energy-through-regular-exercise will actually come through for me.

I really do want to make more of an effort here though. I just need to remind myself that not every post has to be wonderful. Sometimes the best a person can do is say "Hello, I'm here." Sometimes it's enough to just show up.

Use your ninja training

Today my father said something to me I find hilariously coincidental: "Use your ninja training." Now, he has no idea I have a blog with Ninja in the title (or a blog at all, perhaps he may not even know what a blog is). Of course he was joking. We were talking about my struggles as a night owl to wake up early with the rest of the working crowd. I literally feel like my brain does not turn on before 10 am. Anyway he was talking about structure and discipline, which is one of the things I was thinking of when I named this blog. They are traits I haven't developed much, and would very much like to, in the way that it would help me to accomplish the things I'd like to do with my life. To have a schedule of when I'm going to work on my artwork, and stick to it, not to mention my other goals.

I'm trying to shift my schedule back, wake up & get to The Job earlier, so as to leave earlier and have more day left in my day. As someone told me recently, you can get a lot more done between 4 & 8 pm, than between 6 & 10 pm - it's just a psychological thing, I guess. Maybe have more time for my art. I haven't had much energy to work on anything in days. I'm actually in bed right now and it's not even 10 pm yet! (That is soooo not me!)

Out sick

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled week to bring you the flu. Please return home and be sure to drink plenty of fluids. Also, do not worry about how flaky you look to your employer when you are unable to finish out a full week back at work after your 'I need time off from work to de-stress' vacation."

Kind of funny that just a few short days back at the job (days that seemed to take forever), my allergies kicked back into high gear, my back pain creeped back in, and I became violently ill. What more needs to happen before I get the message? I need to make some changes here....

Work sucks

I've been back at work for a only 3 days, and I can say I am completely over it already. Working in an office sucks!!!! I can remember when I was young, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I did know that I did NOT want to work in an office. I still recall when the movie Working Girl came out, how appalled I was at the depiction of corporate life and wanted to avoid that life at all costs....well no, I guess not at all costs, because I started working in an office with my second job and have stayed in offices ever since. I didn't watch American Idol last night, but I heard there was one auditionee with many tattoos who apparently got those tats so that she'd never be able to work in an office. I kind of admire that!

I guess it's not just the job itself that sucks so much, it's that I feel I really don't fit in. Now I've had jobs where I really liked the people I worked with, and didn't want to leave because of them. I am so not feeling the same vibe here! Every day I get such a strong feeling that I really should be elsewhere. Not just that I'd rather be somewhere else, but also that nobody would mind so much if I just quit. Stupid corporate jobs and coworkers who only accept people who are exactly like them! Sorry, I just don't want to spend hours talking about manicures and hair appointments and day spas and how many expensive restaurants I've been to.... Or shop at Nordstrom and buy Coach purses and conduct silent Instant Messaging schemes with *the right* coworkers about how to avoid and exclude *the wrong* coworkers.....Do these people not realize this isn't a sorority? Jeez......

Perhaps I should just thank the Universe for reminding me every day about how I don't fit in here, and let it light a fire under my butt to find another job. Now can somebody remind me why I didn't work on my resume during my vacation? Oh yeah, because I wasn't thinking about work at all then! :-)

Back to Work

I went back to work today. No more glorious days of setting my own schedule, pursuing my own interests, feeling well and rested....It's back to working long hours to line someone else's pockets, arranging my life around this job instead of around my personal growth, letting my body, energy and mind atrophy to the point where I'm too drained by the time I get home to do much of anything. After one day back at the grind, I feel brain-dead.

The sad thing is, I'm the one letting things be this way. We all are - for everyone who is unhappy with their job, doesn't feel free to do what they dream of, or wonders why there isn't a better way - it's like this because we let our society be this way. There are many places in the world where people do not have to work so hard or for so many hours, where urgency is defined differently, where mistakes are not the end of the world, but I am not so fortunate as to live in a place like this. Too bad, so sad. I've gotta deal with what I've got, and make changes when and where I can. Hopefully the state of my circumstances will change for the better in the not-too-distant future.