Speed of Time

This week's going by pretty fast. Why does time speed up, going faster and faster each year; they say youth is wasted on the young but maybe it's time that's wasted on them. The closer you are to the end, the quicker it goes by. My birthday's coming up in a couple of weeks, it always makes me think about how much I haven't done yet.

This weekend, I need to make time for my art....Haven't had much "quality time" with my paints or collages in weeks.

Use your ninja training

Today my father said something to me I find hilariously coincidental: "Use your ninja training." Now, he has no idea I have a blog with Ninja in the title (or a blog at all, perhaps he may not even know what a blog is). Of course he was joking. We were talking about my struggles as a night owl to wake up early with the rest of the working crowd. I literally feel like my brain does not turn on before 10 am. Anyway he was talking about structure and discipline, which is one of the things I was thinking of when I named this blog. They are traits I haven't developed much, and would very much like to, in the way that it would help me to accomplish the things I'd like to do with my life. To have a schedule of when I'm going to work on my artwork, and stick to it, not to mention my other goals.

I'm trying to shift my schedule back, wake up & get to The Job earlier, so as to leave earlier and have more day left in my day. As someone told me recently, you can get a lot more done between 4 & 8 pm, than between 6 & 10 pm - it's just a psychological thing, I guess. Maybe have more time for my art. I haven't had much energy to work on anything in days. I'm actually in bed right now and it's not even 10 pm yet! (That is soooo not me!)

Tracking Obama's Promises

President Obama made a lot of promises during the campaign, promises which all who voted for him would like to see him keep. Or, I suppose if you voted for the other guy, you'd like to watch him fail. A few newspapers are keeping score on their websites, I'm liking the one at PolitiFact by the St. Petersburg Times, dubbed the "Obameter": easy-to-digest summaries of each promise and how well he's doing on them. I like the slider graphics too. Looking good so far, for one week in office, I'd say. Go, Obama, go!!!

The Obameter: Tracking Barack Obama's Campaign Promises

100-Meter Photo

"We're All Gonna Die - 100 Meters of Existence"

When I started this blog I intended it to partly be about art, and the world around us, but all I've been posting so far is about me. How selfish!

Here's something new - something about every one of us. A couple days ago on another blog I followed a link to the work of Simon Hoegsburg. Take a look at this incredible photo! 100 meters worth of people-watching from a bridge in Berlin. The aim is to show us the humanity we all share. Something about it makes me want to walk right into the photo!

I don't remember where I found the link to his work, but this is definitely worth sharing.

http://www.simonhoegsberg.com/

Change has come....

Yesterday we celebrated the inauguration of our new president, and hopefully a new era in both this country and the world. Everywhere, people were watching their tv's and internet streams to see this magnificent event. As I walked into work, many of my coworkers were already gathered around the tv in our reception area to watch. I watched as well, to hear Obama's fine speech and feel the hope in the room around me. I floated in a cloud of happiness the rest of the day....

Oh where oh where is my mind....

I lost my latest post! It was here in my head, I swear. I can't remember anything for longer than 5 minutes anymore! Oh well, it was just going to be a voiced frustrated over something. Maybe about how my "real" life is squeezed into just a few short hours after The Job. I did paint for awhile tonight after dinner, amazingly....It's usually difficult for me to get into the artistic frame of mind once I'm finally home. The piece I'm working on right now I'd started this summer. I put it away for a few months because I got to the point I had to "fix" everything. I'm going for fields of flat color with precise edges, which can never be precise enough for me. I pulled it out to work on again this weekend and I'm nearing the end, or so I think, when I start noticing all the edges that are not quite right....Maybe I'll set it aside again for a while so I don't overwork it! I'll have to post a pic soon (btw the collage WIP I'd posted two weeks ago? Not much more has been done with them since. I'm currently trying to flatten them, they'd warped a bit during gluing.)

"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus

Out sick

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled week to bring you the flu. Please return home and be sure to drink plenty of fluids. Also, do not worry about how flaky you look to your employer when you are unable to finish out a full week back at work after your 'I need time off from work to de-stress' vacation."

Kind of funny that just a few short days back at the job (days that seemed to take forever), my allergies kicked back into high gear, my back pain creeped back in, and I became violently ill. What more needs to happen before I get the message? I need to make some changes here....

Work sucks

I've been back at work for a only 3 days, and I can say I am completely over it already. Working in an office sucks!!!! I can remember when I was young, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I did know that I did NOT want to work in an office. I still recall when the movie Working Girl came out, how appalled I was at the depiction of corporate life and wanted to avoid that life at all costs....well no, I guess not at all costs, because I started working in an office with my second job and have stayed in offices ever since. I didn't watch American Idol last night, but I heard there was one auditionee with many tattoos who apparently got those tats so that she'd never be able to work in an office. I kind of admire that!

I guess it's not just the job itself that sucks so much, it's that I feel I really don't fit in. Now I've had jobs where I really liked the people I worked with, and didn't want to leave because of them. I am so not feeling the same vibe here! Every day I get such a strong feeling that I really should be elsewhere. Not just that I'd rather be somewhere else, but also that nobody would mind so much if I just quit. Stupid corporate jobs and coworkers who only accept people who are exactly like them! Sorry, I just don't want to spend hours talking about manicures and hair appointments and day spas and how many expensive restaurants I've been to.... Or shop at Nordstrom and buy Coach purses and conduct silent Instant Messaging schemes with *the right* coworkers about how to avoid and exclude *the wrong* coworkers.....Do these people not realize this isn't a sorority? Jeez......

Perhaps I should just thank the Universe for reminding me every day about how I don't fit in here, and let it light a fire under my butt to find another job. Now can somebody remind me why I didn't work on my resume during my vacation? Oh yeah, because I wasn't thinking about work at all then! :-)

Blog Layout

Oooh wow I just saw how sad my blog looks on my desktop computer at work.....a lot greener than I thought! It looks more gray on my laptop at home....actually it's called a "netbook".....I love my new netbook! It's so pretty and small, just the right size to curl up on the couch with for an hour or two. Check out this pic, it's the HP Mini 100 Vivenne Tam Edition. Don't you just love this? It's so cute!

(Photo courtesy of chipchick.com) If you'd like more info on this tiny computer head over to HP's website.

Ok, so I don't exactly like the way my blog looks. Talk about some boring templates out there. How do all of you with beautiful blogs do it? It must take some skill, that's for sure! I need to look into spiffing this place up....

2009 is the Year of Change!

So we'll have a new president in a couple of weeks. One who ran on the platform of Change, an ideal many people embraced over the course of the last year. Personally, I am hoping for great change in my life this year. I think I am ready, finally, to stop sitting on the sidelines waiting for something good to happen. We only have today - there is no guarantee, no telling what will happen in the future or how long each of us will be here on Planet Earth. One of my greatest challenges this year will be to pull on the reins when I feel myself sliding into the ruts of procrastination, and steer myself back on course.

For example, I wrote this post two days ago, but saved it thinking I would add more to it before posting.....what's my problem? I should just post it already! Haha, I've got a lot to learn....

Back to Work

I went back to work today. No more glorious days of setting my own schedule, pursuing my own interests, feeling well and rested....It's back to working long hours to line someone else's pockets, arranging my life around this job instead of around my personal growth, letting my body, energy and mind atrophy to the point where I'm too drained by the time I get home to do much of anything. After one day back at the grind, I feel brain-dead.

The sad thing is, I'm the one letting things be this way. We all are - for everyone who is unhappy with their job, doesn't feel free to do what they dream of, or wonders why there isn't a better way - it's like this because we let our society be this way. There are many places in the world where people do not have to work so hard or for so many hours, where urgency is defined differently, where mistakes are not the end of the world, but I am not so fortunate as to live in a place like this. Too bad, so sad. I've gotta deal with what I've got, and make changes when and where I can. Hopefully the state of my circumstances will change for the better in the not-too-distant future.

End-of-Week Roundup

Well, everyone, my last week of holiday vacation is about over. See, I took a whole extra week off, in addition to the three days our office was closed for Christmas, and the two days for New Year's. (I'm talking of course about my boring day job here, not my arty aspirations.) I had come to the conclusion that I just needed a break from the job, and since quitting was not really an option - because I live in the real economy-in-the-toilet world and have no savings - I took a week. To get my bearings, to have a good span of time to dedicate towards my art again for the first time in years. To find out if my dreams are in the realm of possibility at all. I've discovered some things in the process that I didn't consider, largely that I HAVE NOT been taking good care of myself. Not in the balanced-meal, basic hygiene type of way - I mean more in the way of having basic compassion for myself. I've been ignoring anything about myself that I didn't want to deal with or that I thought "most people" don't have to deal with. Ignoring the pain in my back and neck instead of stretching and strengthening the muscles. Ignoring my own hunger and satiety signals. Refusing to recognize that everyone has their own pace, and that mine is slower than some - I tend to dawdle - and instead beating myself up mentally for not crossing off nearly as many things on my to-do list as certain people I know.

I've also realized how damn TIRING it is to climb out of a rut! I can be quite unforgiving towards myself. To think that I could just decide to change my routines, and it would happen if my job was out of the equation for a little while. That I could just sit and paint for 8 hours instead of sit in my cubicle and do paperwork for 8 hours, like that's a lateral transition. But it's not! It uses completely different talents and thought-processes, which have kind of atrophied since I was an art student. I felt like I started the week pretty well, made a good amount of progress that first day, then it tapered off over the next couple of days, and by Thursday I was done-in. Exhausted mentally and spiritually (I've been adding daily meditation to my mornings too). So today I had to really focus on self-care, to learn how to feel compassion for ME again.

Oh yeah, I also realized that I stop feeling the art vibe as soon as I get dressed in the morning, because I'm afraid of getting paint on my nice clothes. So, this weekend I will be buying something that will be my "art uniform", paint splatters required.

So really, not the revelations I was expecting.

But good revelations nontheless.

The Wall

Every day
pushing
just a little
bit closer
to the person
I
want to be.

Trying,
striving.
diving in,

Crashing,
thrashing at
that plastic wall.

Each impact
stretching,
fingers raking against:
Torpedos of intent.

Tiring now,
recede until
the next time.

One day the wall
will fall
usunder
and I
will
swim through.
_________________________

It really is tiring, trying to break bad habits and pick up new ones. I've got this mental picture of what it would be like - I mean, seriously ask me what my perfect day in my perfect life would be - and it's so far from the way I've been living. I know I'm making headway here, but it feels like I'm running at a snail's pace - where are my instant results that this society has taught me I should expect??? Hahaha.... At least I am keeping my sense of humor, quirky as it may be :-)

works in progress

This morning I took stock of the pieces I've been working on in the last month or two. Turns out I had more that are close to completion than I thought! I consider these all to be experiments, since I'm trying to find my "voice" as an artist. I find that when it comes to collage or pencil, I tend to go for calmness even if the elements of the image aren't necessarily calm, whereas when I'm painting I choose pure, bright color. Here's a few pics I snapped this morning of my work and my tiny workspace (Ikea table, only 2 feet by 2.5 feet! I "borrow" the kitchen table quite a bit.)

Hi, my name's Christy....

Here's a little background on me: I've always wanted to be an artist, I even majored in it at college for a time, but never really "got there." I'm sure there are several factors at play - lack of support from my immediate circle; I was already working full-time when I was a student and besides my priorities were way out of whack back then; a certain amount of laziness and procrastination, not to mention a complete lack of belief in myself - I could go on. Suffice to say, it's something that's been gnawing away at the back of my conscious all these years. The urge to create, to get the ideas in my head out there on the paper. Not to force my vision upon others, but to bring it into the physical so that I can see it more clearly myself. There are few things that make me happier than a beautiful piece of art, or even a not-so-pretty piece that gets inside my head and makes me think.

I've learned this past year that as long as I keep fighting my dreams to be what others expect me to be, what "makes sense," I will continue to be miserable. If I want to truly be happy, which I do, I need to be fully myself. I could continue on in this world just trying to get through, like millions of people do, just keep working at jobs I don't really want to make not really enough money to afford what I want and dull my brain with tv and celebrity news and shopping and all the other drugs of the masses, and be unfulfilled and unhappy. Or, I could take the risks, strive for what I dream, take the odds of failing and having to concede and go back to working at jobs I don't really want, etc., and be unhappy because I failed. Either way, end result being the same, at least in the second scenario I tried. And, what if, just what if, in the second scenario, I don't fail? I have to hold onto that hope.

So, this year, I am working toward my dream. Wish me the best!

Happy New Year!

Ok is it weird that one of my new year's resolutions is to start a blog? I wasn't even going to do resolutions this time around....why set myself up for something that the odds are stacked against? The whole tradition of them is all about how they usually don't stick, right? Well....maybe I shouldn't consider this or anything else a resolution then. Let's be positive here for start! I'll call them intentions....how new-agey is that? This is my declaration to express myself more in 2009. Here's to the ride....Cheers!